Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.