I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
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Every work call, he judges.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Expect the unexporcupine.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.