My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
God making man in his image was the original selfie
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.