i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I want what they have
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show