The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
you will never know the true number of layers
New favorite tiktok
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!