[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV