Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Herpes is trending, good job people
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
“What?”
– Jude
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??