My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Simple enough.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me