ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
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I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Tastes like chicken.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff