Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
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IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.