Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
You Might Also Like
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
dogs can find happiness so easily
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less