Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Somebody call the cops.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
In Canada they just call them geese
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.