Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys