Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Donkey Kong sommelier
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are