Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
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Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
*ernest hemingway voice*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour