Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
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Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats