*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Jail
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’