[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva