Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.