Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.