Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground