Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
What number SPF blocks people?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I beg your pardon?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.