I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?