Pretty much! 😂👀
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.