I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
You Might Also Like
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously