“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Sharon, call the vet
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
i love modern commerce
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*