me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
i love meeting boys on tinder
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.