My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”