him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate