When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You Might Also Like
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!