ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen