sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
The Onion called it…again.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?