Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
the answer was staring at me all along