her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?