1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
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I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.