[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Facebook memories be like
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me