As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Perfect
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.