Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.