*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*