I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Tremendous stuff
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Is this you?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here