Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My life in a nutshell
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.