Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The glockness monster
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.