I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Unexpected Judgment
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
starting a garage orchestra
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath