*puts my mental health in rice
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?