GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.