Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.