I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed