Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.