What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
This is why I hate group projects
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.