[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’ve been drinking.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?